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From the privileged perspective of someone who once came into some money ($300 I made on eBay), I accept Martha’s choices. Sure, a pair of Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choos could do the job, but buying Louboutins and covering up their soles with Sharpie is a power move. Martha is a grown woman. She can do whatever she wants, as long as it, you know, doesn’t get her sent to prison again for conspiracy, cheap Christian Louboutin shoes obstruction of an agency proceeding, and making false statements to federal investigators. She is the kind of woman who can just call up Mr. Louboutin himself and ask if it’s alright if she vandalizes his work. I know this because in 2012 she told InStyle, “I don’t like them red, even though they’re his trademark. But he doesn’t mind. He said it’s okay if I do that — I asked him!”

After acceptance comes celebration: Martha covering up her Louboutins with Sharpie is just another way for her to assert herself as an eccentric who knows what she wants and how to get it. Martha Stewart is a true weirdo. She bites her kittens on the face to let them know she is their mother. Her personal Instagram mainly consists of action shots of her many dogs and exotic birds, uncomfortably close pictures of food, and captions like, “Frightened hungry and thirsty the tangled red tail hawk cheap Christian Louboutin red leather shoes tries to free itself from the nylon fencing to no avail.” For her, covering up her red bottoms with Sharpie not only makes sense, but perhaps is the result of a perfectly ordered universe. May we all live our lives with the deranged confidence of someone taking a permanent marker to a designer stiletto.